How to be a G (Grocery Shopping Gangsta)

woman looking tired as she's dreading going to the grocery store.

Just woke up. No food. Don’t want to move.

Grocery shopping sucks. It sucks, it sucks, and it sucks some more. Here’s what it involves: getting off my duff, putting on clothes, driving in traffic, having contact with humans, making decisions, and spending money. That just checked off a lot of items on my dislike list. But I’ve gotten better through my years of ripening. In fact, I’m pretty much a grocery shopping gangsta. Here are my top 10 tips to making grocery shopping easier. Follow them and you just might become a G like me.

1. Plan to go super early in the morning or super late at night
Both of these times ensures less contact with humans. The morning has the advantage of getting the freshest items but there is less traffic on the road late at night. Both time slots also have the benefit of making it seem normal you’re wearing pajamas.

2. Dance before leaving the house
This helps get you in the mood to get off your chair and out the door. If you can’t dance, a couple head bops will do.

3. Wear a hat
This serves two purposes: to cover up the fact your hair isn’t brushed and to avoid being seen by anyone you know.

4. Wear a parka
Walking through the freezer section with erect nipples has never been a flattering look.

Woman wearing hat and dressed liked a gangster in what she calls grocery store swag.

Grocery shopping swag. Don’t mess.

5. Make a list and organize it by sections
Doesn’t it suck when you forget something and have to go back? Well never again. Pin a list to your refrigerator and the minute you run low on something, write it down. What ingredients are you going to need for all meals this week? Write them down. Put the items into categories based on the layout of the store. Produce section, meat section, etc. Efficiency people. Efficiency.

6. Visit a restaurant along the way and gorge yourself
Can’t break the cardinal rule of going to the grocery store on an empty stomach now can we. Use this as a great excuse to pig out.

7. Get a big ass cart & load up on shit
Don’t bother with one of those puny handheld carts. You know you’re going to need more space. Get a cart fit for a G. Make sure you’re well stocked on pantry staples (pasta, rice, beans, canned goods). Once you’re well stocked up on those (like 6 months worth), then future trips to the store will be much easier and will consist primarily of fresh produce.

8. Master your swagger
You need a walk that says, move out of my way. I’m coming through.

9. Listen to music
Just pop in those earbuds and suddenly there are no more sounds of screaming babies and Christmas music that’s been playing since August. It’s like you’re own protective bubble.

10. When attempting to fit in with the culinary community, you must know what to say. Just be sure to do it G style. Here’s a handy translation guide:

Where yo goods at? = What’s your best produce in season?
Gimme some free shit muddafuckah. = I’d like to try a sample please.

Many of the people working at the store are packed with knowledge. Don’t be afraid to ask them for their recommendations. There could be eight different kinds of oranges on display and the produce master will be able to tell you which brand tastes best for that particular week.

11. (Bonus) Don’t pay and run like hell!
A true gangsta always breaks the rules.

Woman winking to indicate she's just kidding.

Juuuuust kidding

Nom & Happiness,

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